Please don’t say you love me.

It all started with watching a movie together. You put you arm around me and we began to cuddle. It was comfortable, nothing too sexual. I was fine with that.

Then it became more regular, our routine. Two friends cuddling discussing life ambitions, opinions and troubles. I was fine with that too.

Then it started slowly escalating. Lines were blurred. We started feeling, touching things normal friends don’t do. I wasn’t fine that.

Every time you left, I felt this wave of guilt. I felt violated but at the same time I didn’t do anything to stop it. You continued saying it was fine, “we both enjoy it “was your justification. Maybe it was my fault for encouraging it but I just missed it so much. That feeling of being loved by someone in that way. I missed the feeling. But that doesn’t mean I was okay with this.

Every time we met up it was a constant struggle of wanting that feeling but also hating myself for letting this continue. That one day when I saw it happen, it was like blinds were opened and I felt a sense of clarity.

This was not okay. We can’t continue this. No matter how long it’d continued the fact that I was saying “no” now, was enough. It isn’t my fault for waiting all this time to tell you, at least I told you is the most important part. You can blame me all you want for contributing to this; but don’t forget the amount of self courage, the amount of self respect within me the amount of thought that went into my decision to finally say no. That was hard for me. Don’t blame me, don’t get angry at me for speaking up. That’s not fair.

We’re just friends, really really good friends and I would like to remain good friends without feeling like I owe you something with my body. I’m not blaming you, I’m just wishing you’d never put me in that position. I’m wishing you never loved me because I’m sorry. I can’t love you back.